I can't Do This

I am hurting so much from caring.
I do not want to care anymore, I just want to be selfish.

Am I being selfish?

Am I being a cry baby?

I don't know about any of that, but I do know that everyday I am hurt because I do not know who I am. I do not know how to treat people the way God wants them treated. I do not know how to love in a way that brings life instead of this feeling of hopelessness.

I feel undeserving of love and the more I press forward, the more I believe I will never be loved.
I do not feel man enough to be loved, even by my own mother or friends. I do not feel like I will ever do anything correctly. I do not know what to do.....quitting is not an option but I am so weary.

(Now I suspect that some of you will think I am depressed or overreacting, but I assured you that this is reality for me and you cannot argue with my reality)

As of Late

I am learning the cost of following Jesus Christ.
Everything has a value.
Everything has meaning.
What means more to me is what I will serve
I cannot serve two masters, either I live in the world or I walk by the spirit.
My mom is struggling financially to support herself, her boyfriend is in the hospital with a fatal decease, I struggle financially, I make mistakes and harm others whom I never wish to harm. I fail classes, I sin daily.

How am I doing this....why am I yet still used by God?

I am a sinner and I know what grace is, yet I struggle to walk out in that grace. I allow shame to mean more to me then God's love. I allow shame to cause me to reject God's love. I know that is prideful of me, but it just hurts more to walk in grace then it does to walk in pride, essentially sin.

I know this is not right.

I am trying to walk out in the Grace of God, I really am....and things go wrong even more. I am still fighting to walk in this Grace. His burden is light, but it hurts so much. I feel like I am losing everything, my mom, my friends, my dignity. It cost everything.

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We Are The Victor

There are these times in our lives when everything just sucks. Nothing happens the way we want it to and we feel kinda oppressed. At least I know I feel like this sometimes. It seems like all the odds are against us and we feel like we are being overcome. We know God has a plan but things just seem to messed up to possibly be apart of it. I am reminded of Gideon and the story about the Midianites in Judges 6,7

Judges 6:1-7

Then the sons of Israel did what was evil in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD gave them into the hands of Midian seven years.

The power of Midian prevailed against Israel. Because of Midian the sons of Israel made for themselves the dens which were in the mountains and the caves and the strongholds.

For it was when Israel had sown, that the Midianites would come up with the Amalekites and the sons of the east and go against them.

So they would camp against them and destroy the produce of the earth as far as Gaza, and leave no sustenance in Israel as well as no sheep, ox, or donkey.

For they would come up with their livestock and their tents, they would come in like locusts for number, both they and their camels were innumerable; and they came into the land to devastate it.

So Israel was brought very low because of Midian, and the sons of Israel cried to the LORD.

Now it came about when the sons of Israel cried to the LORD on account of Midian,

You see, Gideon and the Israelites tried to take things into their own hands instead realizing that God knows what HE is doing. The Israelites were facing the oppression from the Midianites, b/c they were not remembering that God had a plan for them. Gideon felt that he had to take control and b/c he did that things were not the way God wanted. The Israelites were being oppressed b/c they would not relinquish and surrender control to God.

When are facing oppression and facing hard times we must remember our Savior. In these times, anytime God proved HIS faithfulness to the people that set up reminders to remind people of God's Faithfulness. We must remember HIS goodness and recall the things HE has done for us.

Judges 6:7-10

Now it came about when the sons of Israel cried to the LORD on account of Midian,

that the LORD sent a prophet to the sons of Israel, and he said to them, "Thus says the LORD, the God of Israel, 'It was I who brought you up from Egypt and brought you out from the house of slavery.

I delivered you from the hands of the Egyptians and from the hands of all your oppressors, and dispossessed them before you and gave you their land,

and I said to you, "I am the LORD your God; you shall not fear the gods of the Amorites in whose land you live. But you have not obeyed Me."

Also, we must remain to be warriors.

Judges 6:11-16

Then the angel of the LORD came and sat under the oak that was in Ophrah, which belonged to Joash the Abiezrite as his son Gideon was beating out wheat in the wine press in order to save it from the Midianites.

The angel of the LORD appeared to him and said to him, "The LORD is with you, O valiant warrior."

Then Gideon said to him, "O my lord, if the LORD is with us, why then has all this happened to us? And where are all His miracles which our fathers told us about, saying, 'Did not the LORD bring us up from Egypt?' But now the LORD has abandoned us and given us into the hand of Midian."

The LORD looked at him and said, "Go in this your strength and deliver Israel from the hand of Midian. Have I not sent you?"

He said to Him, "O Lord, how shall I deliver Israel? Behold, my family is the least in Manasseh, and I am the youngest in my father's house."

But the LORD said to him, "Surely I will be with you, and you shall defeat Midian as one man."

We hate to feel weak and thats a big reason for our need to be in control. We do not want God to be control because we don't know what will happen. We need to trust God with everything. With our lives, job's, and relationships. God has a plan and it is a good plan. We must remember the things HE has already done for us and know things are better in HIS hands than ours. We have relinquish and surrender control like Gideon did.

Judges 7:2-8

The LORD said to Gideon, "The people who are with you are too many for Me to give Midian into their hands, for Israel would become boastful, saying, 'My own power has delivered me.'

"Now therefore come, proclaim in the hearing of the people, saying, 'Whoever is afraid and trembling, let him return and depart from Mount Gilead.'" So 22,000 people returned, but 10,000 remained.

Then the LORD said to Gideon, "The people are still too many; bring them down to the water and I will test them for you there. Therefore it shall be that he of whom I say to you, 'This one shall go with you,' he shall go with you; but everyone of whom I say to you, 'This one shall not go with you,' he shall not go."

So he brought the people down to the water. And the LORD said to Gideon, "You shall separate everyone who laps the water with his tongue as a dog laps, as well as everyone who kneels to drink."

Now the number of those who lapped, putting their hand to their mouth, was 300 men; but all the rest of the people kneeled to drink water.

The LORD said to Gideon, "I will deliver you with the 300 men who lapped and will give the Midianites into your hands; so let all the other people go, each man to his home."

So the 300 men took the people's provisions and their trumpets into their hands. And Gideon sent all the other men of Israel, each to his tent, but retained the 300 men; and the camp of Midian was below him in the valley.

You see, Gideon was relinquishing the power to God. Gideon may not have understood the reason for God's method's but you was faithful to trust God. Gideon also remained weak and dependent on the Lord. God wants us to depend on HIM for our everything and HE is such a good father we can trust HE has the best plan for us, even if it hurts us to give HIM everything it is better off in HIS hands.

If we follow Gideons example here we will realize who we are.

WE ARE THE VICTOR!